Your Radical Guide to Vulva Pleasure

If you’ve ever thought, I wish someone just told me how vulva pleasure actually works, you’re not alone.  Thanks to outdated myths and a lack of real sex education, many vulva owners spend years figuring out what feels good – often through trial and error. 

Let’s take a shortcut and dive into the good stuff: science-backed, real-world techniques for maximising your pleasure.

Ditch the Shame

Let’s be real, shaming women is baked into our culture. But we don’t have to accept that.

From a young age, many of us are taught that female pleasure is taboo. We’re told to be sexy but not too sexual, to orgasm but not loudly, to touch ourselves but only in private and to have sex but not brag about it. Female sexuality is an oxymoron.

Our sexuality is ours. Our pleasure is ours. You weren’t born feeling shame or embarrassment about how your vulva looks, or the faces you make during sex. These were things you learned over time. Which means, you can unlearn them. 

An iconic strategy to challenge shame around your vulva is to take a page out of Betty Dodson’s work; grab yourself a mirror and drop your pants. Set yourself the intention that you will suspend any judgements that arise and simply be curious and kind. You may find it useful to have a printout or graphic of a labelled vulva and find where each labelled section is on your very own body. The idea is to get familiar with your vulva, the folds, colour, texture, and perhaps, the zones of pleasure. 

Say out loud: My vulva is beautiful. Every vulva is unique and different. My body is worthy of pleasure. 

Vulva pleasure top tip: It’s about how you touch it

Have you seen that episode of Friends? The one where Monica describes her orgasm by numbers? Monica explains how she experiences enhance pleasure through a numbered system, describing her different erogenous zones and how they can be combined for maximum pleasure. As she passionately counts through different combinations – “Seven, seven, SEVEN!” – it highlights the nuance and complexities of how a vulva is touched.

This scene highlights the complexities of a vulva owner’s sexuality and the importance of exploration and understanding what truly feels food. Monica’s enthusiastic demonstration is a pop-culture reminder that female orgasms aren’t just about the destination—they’re about the journey.

Vulva owners enjoy a variety of touch to receive pleasure. Here are a few hot tips recommended by a sexologist – that’s me – to enhance touch. These work for vulva pleasure, but also all over your body.

•  Consistency – when you start to get that good sensation, just keep doing what you are doing. This is simply not the time to start mixing it up!
• Layering – slowly and softly touch areas that feel good. You can increase stimulation through layering speed, pressure and different locations on the body. You may find your body responds best to a slow approach that builds over time.
• Focus points – When you want to tease a spot that feels good, you need to ensure you tease enough and focus on that point. Briefly teasing a feel good zone won’t accomplish much; so make sure if you are going to tease, do it well.

Looking for clitoral stimulation? Here’s three different things to try:

• Circling – Moving fingers or a toy around the clitoral glans rather than directly on top.
• Stillness – Pressing or holding a vibrator in place instead of moving it
• Cupping – cupping your palm over the vulva is a gentle and soothing stimulation technique. 

Is there such thing as a normal orgasm?

No. There’s more misinformation buzzing around today from people talking about cervical orgasms, or how penetrative orgasms rank ‘higher’ in the pleasure hierarchy, to grandaddy Freud who once said clitoral orgasms were “immature”. 

These views are great for clickbait articles, or to make incels feel better about themselves, but they aren’t rooted in how authentic vulva pleasure is experienced.

What modern research tells us about vulva pleasure and orgasms

Thanks to modern sex researchers such as Betty Dodson, OMGYES and  Masters & Johnson we know that the clitoris is key to most orgasms for vulva owners, even if there’s a lot of other things that contribute

• The clitoris is the primary pleasure organ—with over 10,000 nerve endings, it’s literally designed for orgasm.
• Most women (about 80%) need direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm—penetration alone just doesn’t cut it for most.
• The “vaginal orgasm” is actually a clitoral orgasm—the internal branches of the clitoris extend around the vaginal canal, meaning any internal pleasure is still thanks to the clit.

You can’t just turn on desire

Emily Nagoski’s research changed the game when it comes to understanding arousal. She explains that sexual desire doesn’t work like an on/off switch – it’s more like a dual-control system with an accelerator (things that turn you on) and brakes (things that turn you off).

If you’re struggling with pleasure or arousal, it’s not about “not wanting sex enough.” It’s often about having too many brakes activated. Ask yourself this:

• Am I under greater stress at work currently?
• Do I feel more uncomfortable within my body?
• Does something feel off within our relationship?

These are just some questions to ask that may elicit some common brakes that stop us from feeling desire build. 

Try This:

Make a list of your “turn-ons” (accelerators) and “turn-offs” (brakes). This could be anything from deep kissing to feeling safe and relaxed.

If your brakes are constantly on (stress, exhaustion, performance anxiety), focus on removing obstacles before trying to force arousal.

Read more on desire: Can mental health affect your sex drive?

Sex toys are vulva pleasure tools, not crutches

Sex toys and vibrators are your friend! These amazing tools will elevate your sex life and provide alternative pathways to pleasure. 

Vibrators will not ruin your capacity for pleasure, or “desensitize” your clit. Yes, you may experience overstimulation, but this is nothing permanent. All you need to do is give yourself a little break from the routine of the good vibes. 

Using toys and vibrators also won’t “train” your body to only respond to them. If you consistently use these toys, your body will adjust and perhaps expect that. The good news is, over time  through changing up your routines and stimulation techniques, the body will adjust again and find new pleasures.

Try This:

• Start with your hands before reaching for a toy—see how much you can build arousal on your own.
• Try using a vibrator on different areas—not just the clitoris but the outer labia, inner thighs, and even your stomach to build anticipation.
• Use a toy without rushing to orgasm—let it tease and build pleasure instead of going straight for the finish line.

Reclaiming vulva pleasure is a radical act in a world that has long ignored and shamed vulva owners’ sexuality. Embracing your body, exploring what feels good without shame are necessary steps toward sexual autonomy. Whether it’s through self-touch, breath, movement, vibrators, or simply tuning into sensation, pleasure is yours to define.