Polyamory 101

Polyamory is the latest buzzword when it comes to sex and dating. It’s popping up in TV shows, radio, even your recent smutty book, but what actually is polyamory and what does it look like when done well and with care? 

What is Polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of non-monogamy that includes having multiple, ongoing romantic and/or sexual relationships. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to polyamory and that’s the beauty of it. In some relationships, this could look like two partners having flings or relationships with a third person, whether together or separately. In other relationships, it could look like three or more people all in equal relationships with each other. 

Not only does polyamory look like these more fluid relationship structures, it also comes along with a whole new world of vocabulary to learn. Terms like ‘metamour’ meaning the partner of your partner or ‘polycule’ meaning the collective network of people connected through their non-monogamous relationships, are examples of terminology that you’ll see come up time and time again throughout your explorations. Ready for Polyamory’s Polyamory Glossary or Ruby Rare’s recent book, The Non-Monogamy Playbook are great if you are wanting a further deep dive on these basics, but don’t feel like you need to be a pro at all of it.

Read more: Navigating my first threesome by Amy Louise.

How to do Polyamory Well

The secret to doing polyamory well is that it’s the same formula for how we should be approaching all relationships – with care, communication, vulnerability and intentionality. Think of how much effort goes into one traditional romantic relationship when it comes to meeting each other’s needs, supporting one another, and maintaining the sexy parts of the relationship, and imagine that doubled, tripled or quadrupled. It’s not for the faint of heart.

The relationships that do polyamory well are those that get honest, clear and communicative about what they want and need. They take responsibility for their roles in their relationships and don’t shy away from doing ‘the work’, whether that’s balancing one’s solo time with time for their partners, going to therapy or having vulnerable conversations about jealousy or insecurity. 

There is no perfect process in exploring polyamory, and the process will also look wildly different depending on whether you’re starting as part of an existing relationship or from the position of being single. Let the exploration take time because it will. Amongst the dating apps, ghosting and bad dates, it’s easy to forget that meeting new people and dating can be rough out there, and the non-monogamous dating pool is smaller in comparison! It takes time and commitment to build healthy relationships, let alone multiple. 

Polyamory and Jealousy 

Jealousy is easily the most common topic that arises in the discussion of polyamory. What might jealousy mean and how do we manage it? 

Jealousy is like any other feeling in that it provides us with information, whether it’s saying that some old wounds are being reopened for us, that we’re feeling worried about our relationship security, or that we’re wanting some exciting, new energy in our own life. Feeling jealous doesn’t mean that you’re not cut out for polyamory or that you’re doing it ‘wrong’. All it asks of us is to hear it out and this requires us to build solid practices of self-reflection, communication and tending to our needs. This might look like building support networks outside of our romantic relationships, learning tools for emotional regulation, or sometimes simply getting a hobby. 

Our ability to move through our emotions rather than against them, to ask for what we need but also to hear what our partners need sets the stage for our relationship boundaries and agreements. These are our expectations for how we’ll approach each of our relationships, and how we intend to treat ourselves and each other with care. I highly recommend reviewing The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasboard as a starting point for reflections and discussions about what you want and expect from your relationships, but also to take a realistic inventory around your capacity when it comes to money, time and resources.

Read more: 3 pillars of a successful relationship by Roshan Lewis.

Polyamory Misconceptions

Alongside the topic of jealousy, there are also a number of polyamory misconceptions that often come up in these conversations. Common misconceptions include that polyamory is all about threesomes and wild sex, that polyamory is for commitment-phobes, and that non-monogamy is ‘glorified cheating’. While polyamory is sometimes about wild and sexy threesomes (there’s nothing wrong with that), these misconceptions and stigma overlook the emotional depth, growth and effort required in maintaining multiple, ongoing relationships. Rather than being afraid of commitment, polyamory actually asks us to get clear on what commitment means to us and shows that it can come in many forms beyond romantic or sexual exclusivity. 

Relationships are messy regardless of being non-monogamous or otherwise, but as much as they are nuanced and complex, they are also just as full of joy, growth, pleasure and connection. What it means to do polyamory well is defined by our abilities to lean into the ride and to look after ourselves and each other.